


Not Fair

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Gen, Gunshot Wounds, Shooting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 04:13:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11775261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	Not Fair

Her legs felt like lead. 

Spencer had just been shot in the neck and this is what she was doing? But she couldn’t. She couldn’t do this anymore. Not when Spencer reminded her so much of her little boy. Her colleague and friend had nearly died last night, and it was as if she was reliving Ethan’s death all over again. It was too much - and she didn’t have the strength anymore. “How are you feeling?” she asked, forcing some levity into her voice. He was alive; she would be forever grateful he made it through. 

“Good,” he said, quickly correcting himself as they took the last few stairs. “Well, good considering the fact that I just got shot in the neck.” After another brush with death and coming through on the other side, Spencer loosened up a bit, smiling to himself.

Alex couldn’t help but chuckle as well. When Spencer opened the door, there was silence in the air. How could she adequately express her gratitude to him for saving her life? There was nothing she could say - nothing good enough anyway. Always intuitive, Spencer could tell something was wrong. “You’re alright?”

Not really. She knew she was about to leave. In a time of despair, he’d confided in her about how hurt he’d been when Gideon left. He knew that Gideon had done what was best for himself, but it still hurt him, and now she was going to leave him too. She couldn’t dwell on the thought for too long because if she did she’d remain in a position where she was reminded of her little boy every day, and that was just too much to endure. “Yesterday touched a nerve when I saw you like that.”

A flash of recognition crossed Spencer’s eyes. “Who’s Ethan?”

“My son,” she said, as the tears stung at the corners of her eyes. “He was nine when he died. Doctors said it was neurological, but they didn’t have a name for it, still don’t. That drove me crazy, no word to put to this thing that took away my greatest love.” It had simultaneously been so long and only yesterday. She shrugged in an attempt to stave off the tears, but it wasn’t working very well.

Spencer stepped forward just slightly. “I’m sorry.”

The floodgates had been opened and she found herself telling Spencer everything. “He… he kept growing despite his disease. The last time I laid beside him he was almost as long as me.” The thought amazed her; he’d been so big. He would’ve towered over her now. “He was ready to go, but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Begged him to open his eyes. Well, the cruelest part was that I could see who he would be at twenty, but I knew he would never get there.” The last bit was choked out - it wasn’t fair. 

None of this was fair.

Ethan being taken away from her and James wasn’t fair. What had happened at the Bureau ten years ago wasn’t fair. Coming across a young man who reminded her so much of her son wasn’t fair. Having to leave like this to preserve her sanity wasn’t fair. But it had to be soon. “Ethan is a great name,” Spencer said, the corner of his mouth ticking up into a smile.

“Yea, it means enduring,” she said.

“It’s fitting,” Spencer replied. “You and James never let go one another.” Alex shook her head and began to walk out, feeling like there was nothing else she could say and that Spencer already knew the truth deep down. “Have you ever had that feeling that your future is somehow behind you?”

“All the time.” Just like when Ethan died, Spencer felt that way with Maeve. 

His eyes darted around the room as if he’d been trying to think of something else to say - something else that might keep her here for a little bit longer, because once she left, she wouldn’t be returning, at least to work. “I do too, but it isn’t.”

“Ethan would’ve been a lot like you,” she said. He really would’ve. Although her eyes were swimming in tears, they turned somewhat happier. For the first time in a long time, she was able to glimpse at what her son would’ve been like; for a second, it was like he was standing in front of her.

This was goodbye for now. He knew it and so did she. Neither of them wanted it to be this way, but it needed to be this way for Alex. Spencer took a deep breath, looking down at his fidgeting fingers. “Thank you for being there when I woke up; it meant a lot.”

“Of course.” She wouldn’t have had it any other way. He’d risked his life to save hers - it was the least she could do. With the smallest of waves, she turned and walked down the stairs. Over the sound of closing doors and the wind outside, she heard Spencer say goodbye and held her tears just long enough to get outside and lose control without him seeing.

After clawing her way back up in the Bureau, after working so hard to get back to where she was, having her long-gone son’s memory haunt her even here wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair at all. She stood on the sidewalk and waited for a cab. By now, he’d probably have found her badge, which she’d left with him. She didn’t want to leave him like Gideon had, with only a note, but she’d done the best she could - a personal goodbye between only the two of them. And she’d left him a little note too. 

\--- I never expected to connect with someone the way I have with you, Spencer. I just need you to know that this isn’t goodbye forever, just for now, while I deal with things I thought I’d long-since resolved. One day, we’ll meet again. I promise. Until then, brush up on your crossword puzzle-solving skills. You’re good, of course, but I expect you to beat me next time. Love, Blake

Pulling out of her reverie, Alex looked down the block to see the cab on its way. Once it drove up, she allowed herself to look up and back toward Spencer’s apartment. She knew he’d be looking until she left. With a tear in her eye and a smile on her face, she caught his gaze and placed a kiss in her hand before giving him a wave. “Until we meet again, sweet boy.”


End file.
